Ketchup is God's man juice
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
