i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
