She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sext me about skeletons
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
