3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
His hands were made for my vagina.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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