Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
