I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
