I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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