It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
