Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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