The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
