If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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