No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize