like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
