I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
