Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
