one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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