I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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