it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
