I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
