There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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