I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
