So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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