I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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