Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
