honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
