marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Sry I called you an 8
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
