She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
