Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
