Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
