I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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