Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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