Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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