i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
