I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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