i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
