uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Randomize
