He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
