Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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