I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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