my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
