I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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