I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
