i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
