here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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