By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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