Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
