Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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