so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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