All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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