You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
