i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
