I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
