dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
