If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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