You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
