She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
