If i come over, it means nothing
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
