Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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