when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
