I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
