I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
She's the barista slut.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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