We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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