I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
