Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I wear drunk well.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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