My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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